An ode to my Nanu

Every time I saw you,
I felt endless joy and bliss.
Every time you held me in your embrace,
I felt eternal peace.

In pain you smiled, in sorrow you smiled,
There was nothing that could wipe that smile off your face.
You taught me how to live my life
Amongst all the mess that came my way.

I saw love in you and felt joy,
I saw kindness and felt peace
I saw warmth and felt comfort;
I saw gentleness and felt strength.

You’ve taught me how to go on,
Smile and make the most even of those struggles
That came my way.
You taught me how to be strong,
To spread joy and happiness
amongst everyone around me.

My values, my beliefs,
Everything that shapes me,
Is all instilled by you,
Is all I’ve learnt watching you.

Your humour, your jokes,
Your pranks, your endless bets,
Your talks, your wisdom,
Your actions, your knowledge
Something that has made me what I am today,
And now will all be a memory and always cherished.

Your sixth sense was amazing, and
It was always fun to have you know it all
Before it actually happened,
You indeed were my lucky charm.

I wish I could see you for that one last time,
I wish I could give you a hug and tell you
How much I love you before you went.
I’ll always miss you.

You were my hero and now
It’s difficult to not have you
To discuss my fears, my endless wishes
To seek your advice and those simple solutions you gave.

Nevertheless, you’ve left your reflection
In three other men in my life,
And yes now I look onto them
And they’re my junior heroes.
I don’t need to tell them who they are,
You can hear me and you know it’s you.

Your physically not here I know,
But you’re in our hearts and
Whenever we need you we’ll just
See you in Nani.

You were, are and will always remain the greatest man I’ve ever know in my life.

Dissociation from reality

Do I know you from somewhere?
You do look familiar.
Are you sure we haven’t met before?
Now this is a situation I need to explore.

What time of the year is it?
It is January 2011 they say, but
I’m stuck in 2006 or sometimes 2009, or
At times I jump ahead into 2012.

Are you talking to me?
Oh, I know you’re right in front of me,
And I can hear you bicker some words, but
I possess an ability to tune out the world.

Am I really seeing this?
Or no, it’s just my perception.
Some things lie in front of me, and
They are not what they look like for me.

Who am I?
I wonder...
I just want to be myself
Don’t know how to be someone else.

Living in a war zone,
battered and confused.
Wish I din’t have to stay like this,
always feeling so bruised.

If there’s a third world I must be in the second,
seems I’m neither here nor there.
Living on the stairs that’s neither up nor down
Sometimes wondering how long I will be around.

Glad that you're here

Where do I begin?
Where do I end?
As soon as I wanna start,
I feel at a loss of words.
So much that has to be said,
so little time for all the unsaid.

Your mere presence is enough for me now,
the fact that you're there keeps me going,
I feel strong, I feel right about myself,
I'm what I was,
I've rediscovered myself with you around.
You're the magic that was missing all this while.

Wish I could have you around me always,
You know it is here that I feel the safest.
You're like that guiding star shining bright in the sky,
and not once would I hesitate to follow you.
I'm there always you know,
and I'm glad that you're here with me too!

Just being me

Me, Myself and I,
Lost, so lost,
for ages now!

That bubbly, chirpy me,
I was that way 3-4 years ago.
Then that side,
just disappeared!

I wonder, "why?"
Then I realize,
I was being someone,
others wanted me to.

I was under that carpet,
all this while,
then things changed,
you guys pulled me outta there.

Initially, I was avoiding it,
then that awakening happened.
I was so stupid,
all this while, all these years!

Why did I change my way of being?
for some insignificant few,
who never really cared,
never really bothered!

So, out of there now,
Life feels so good,
being me is the best feeling ever,
that happy, bubbly, chirpy me,
that you all now love!!

Lost Tears in Lonely Oceans

Huge as it may sound, were those vast oceans. Rippling water, it's blueness, the waves, all so lost in this emptiness of life. These huge gaps in my life, who is to fill them now? Lonely as it was, my life seemed to have lost all meaning. I never felt this clueless before, this lost and helpless. Tears roll down my cheeks even as I think about it. Every action and every word that hurt me, all go without an apology. Never once did I think I'd be seeing such a day in my life.

Was she always right when she warned me about such situations, I think to myself. I'm forced to believe that she was because it is now happening to me, the cracks and the patches, can never be mended.

Trust in you I've lost, I wouldn't be wrong when I say, a part of my life, a part of my existence is lost. The barren lands that lay in front of me, devoid of the long lost joy and glee of life, and are not very inviting. I'm afraid, I'm scared, of every move I make, every step I take. Going forward is the only option now but the thought of this destitute land kills me.

I cry, even more now, and then I laugh at this situation. Don't really know what to do. I'm feeling at a loss of words also and I've lost my intuitive ability to look ahead and think of what I might encounter now. As it is, there have been millions of shocking surprises I've already witnessed in this past month.

But now when I think of it, I realize that as days go by, I'm becoming stronger and much more immune to a lot of conditions, being ready for the worse to come. These lonely oceans have swallowed my tears and now have given me the courage to face that barren land ahead.

Over the limit under the influence

Things have gone above,
just over the limit,
and all this under the influence!

I never expected this,
never dreamt of it,
You have changed,
and all this under the influence!

I will stop you till I can,
I will surely do my best,
But it is your choice, alas!

Nothing is in my control,
nothing can be done now,
you have lost it completely,
and all this under the influence!

I wrote you a note

You still hadn't responded,
but I kept writing to you,
my notes to you continued,
and not once did you reply.

Nothing stopped me,
from writing to you,
although I knew,
deep down I was sad.

I was disheartened,
that you didn't seem to care,
that you ignored every note of mine,
and lived without being affected.

How could it not make a difference?
How could you just let it be?
I appreciate your control,
but you hurt me beyond words.

I still write to you
endlessly, hoping,
one day you would,
you would definitely reply.